"Go then. There are other worlds than these."

Know what I did for fun on Sunday? I balanced chemical equations. My daughter had Physical Science homework and she had asked for help on it. I tried to beg off explaining that if it was chemistry I was no good at it since I barely passed chemistry in high school, but she insisted. She explained to me how it worked and I helped her figure out the one she was stumped on. It was really fun! So I had her read out all of the equations to me and I did them all just because. I got all of them to balance but one, and I think that one must've had a typo because there was no way to make it balance no matter how hard I tried. It was fun though, like a math puzzle or like chemistry sudoku. I want to do more. Who knew?

I’ve long wanted to take a college chemistry course just to see if I would grok it better now than I did then, since then I was far more interested in boys than in the periodic table. But every time I start thinking I want to take more college courses and maybe get my masters I get really turned off by the reality of it. So many things I would have to take just to get to the fun of chemistry; tons of prerequisites and all this math. Granted, I wish I’d taken trig and calculus but the thought of doing it now just makes me want to lie on the floor and sleep. As much as I’d like to unleash my inner reclusive lab techie, I don’t think I’m all that committed.

Last night at the end of class we heard one of the campus cats meowing outside the window to be let in. It was cold out so it made perfect sense why he would be begging to be let in but we tried to ignore him. I couldn't see him through the window but he kept on and got louder and louder and louder. Finally, one of my instructor/students went outside to see if he was hurt and as she was coming back inside to tell me the cat wasn't out there and that he sounded like he was inside the building, the cat meowed directly behind me and I figured out where he really was.

Through the heating vent grate in the floor directly behind my chair I could see little black and white paws. The poor kitty had crawled up under the house and probably couldn't find his way out again so he followed the sound of our voices and called for help. They've been doing remodeling on the buildings so they probably left a hole open under the house and maybe he got stuck in there. Thankfully the heating ducts were poorly constructed and there was a two inch gap on one side. I moved my desk and chair and everything out of the way, pulled the grate off the duct and sent a student to get Maintenance. By the time the security/maintenance guy had gotten there I'd bent the duct work back enough that the cat could again jump up from the dirt floor of the crawl space and grab onto the side of the duct so I could help him climb up through the floor. That poor kitty. He was terrified and tired and could not wait to get back outside.

I cannot stop eating nuts. That's not dirty, what I just said. I have a nut problem and I don't know how to stop. I buy nuts like a fiend and I will eat them and eat them until they're gone. Salted cashews, almonds, macadamias and walnuts and unsalted pecans are my favorites -- I know, that's like all of them. But really, I will eat any nuts. I went to the flea market and all I bought were socks and pecans. Lots of raw pecans. (Oh, and a Barbie, but that wasn't for me.) And omg, these spanish almonds I got the other day are to die for. Die.

I guess there are worse things in the world I could be addicted to and constantly eating. I don't crave sweets or chips or crap like that, I get major hankerings for nuts though - like Ihavetohavethemrightnow! kind of need. I just got done plowing through some thai spiced peanuts from World Market and I have the worst garlic breath I'm sure, but MY GOD MAN, these nuts are so amazing! All of them. Like total ambrosia of the earth. I cannot get enough. Some days I eat nuts for breakfast, maybe a salad for lunch or a little bit of meat, and then nuts in the afternoon and I'm so full at dinner time that I have a cheese stick and a handful of nuts and I'm done. And even though nuts are "fattening" (which comically I typed "fartening" the first time) I've not gained any weight on this steady diet of nuts I've been scarfing for well over a month now, like probably two months. I've even lost weight.

In conclusion: nuts are wicked good and I will not stop eating them by the pound. You can't make me. :)

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now (even if we don't speak often or ever) please post a comment with a completely made up, fictional memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - but it has to be fake.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph in your LJ and see what your friends come up with.

Friday the 24th is Boo-Lesque at the Belcourt. Normally I'd be working that weekend, but I'd really like to go to this so I might change my plans.

Also, REPO! The Genetic Opera has a limited opening on November 7th. I was hoping it would open here, but I haven't found anything about it yet. If anyone hears something let me know, please and thank you.

Introduced the Russian to lolcats last night. He's all, why have I been resisting this for so long? Iz funny! LOLZ!!!1! I, on the other hand, find that they're less funny when I read them every day and more useful when taken in large doses to bring me up when I'm feeling down.

You know when you're writing something and you get bored with it halfway through and you don't want to finish it because it's boring but you do anyway because you've gotten that far so you may as well? Yeah.

I am wearing incredibly bright colors today. And my skirt and shoes, which are both a loud lime green, blue and white floral print, totally match each other. I've been finding a lot of cute clothes hidden in my closet that I can finally wear now that I've lost some weight and I've been wearing more color than before. Much different than my usual black or denim.

I just realized my boss has been gone to a meeting for a while. How did I miss that?

Meetings suck, btw. We had one the other day to look at a guy's wedgie. No joke. He didn't like the way his pants were riding up his buttcrack so we had a meeting of six people to look at it and discuss. His thong-butt. For over an hour.

So tired. I stayed up too late last night and I think I'm getting a cold. Despite my sunny outfit I'm in a rather cloudy mood. "Today my heart is big and sore/it's trying to push right through my skin," are the lovely words that apply today from Patty Griffin's song "Goodbye". It's funny how over the years that song accommodates different people at different periods in my life. And funny how it still hurts just as much no matter who it's about.

Updated: At lunch I sat on a blanket in the graveyard and painted my toenails blue. Such a pretty day could not be spent entirely indoors. Maybe I'll walk later too. I wish I could take my computer outside to work.

I had a dream last night that I went to The Great Escape and they had teeny-tiny baby skunks for sale. I mean, itty-bitty, like two inches long. It was the cutest little thing and I had to have one. It was going to cost me $49.99 for the little guy. Most adorable dream ever.

I just finished watching The Orphanage. What a great movie. Engaging, frightening, touching, and so good. Naomi, you were so right that I would love this movie. I don't know why I didn't watch it sooner.

On my way back from work, the Russian suggested we stop the car and look at some cows. Totally something he would never do, but he thought it would be something I would come up with. I might think of doing something like that, but I normally never would. But we did. And cows are cute and awesome and surprisingly full of sass and attitude. Not nearly the passive group of cud-chewers I expected. I guess I've never sat and looked at them for a while, but what a bunch of characters these ladies were. Hi-larious. I wish I had a video of us watching them and me talking for them. It was like audio lolcows. They were so funny!

Moments like those are nice and make me think nice things about the Russian, and then he goes and does something incredibly stupid again. Ugh. Maybe I'll talk about it later. I'm way too tired to think about it again right now. But he is one lucky idiot sometimes.

I just got the cutest haircut!! It's so awesome! I haven't had a haircut I liked this much in years. It's short and cute and fun and is perfectly me. Did I mention it was cute? Cause it is. Squee! I'll try to take a picture later. :)

Update: Today is shaping up really well so far. I got a surprise phone call from a friend that lasted a wonderfully long time and we talked about everything: physics, zombies and relationships. That about covers "everything," right?

Today so far: awesome text messages in the wee hours of the morning, proton smasher testing went well, world's not over yet, great hair cut and a conversation with one of my favoritest people ever. Yep, so far, so good.

Giving my class a quiz tonight. Hopefully that will go just as well.

Updated again: Erm, I spoke too soon. The quiz is slooooowwww and painful and still going on after an hour. Ugh.

Crap. Feeling the slow spiral into depression. Must be hormone related because I guess I don't have anything really to be all that down about. Except having a hard time getting in touch with people I'd like to talk to. And worrying about a couple of friends. Oh, and I'm feeling ignored at home lately. I'm pretty disappointed in the Russian's non-efforts at making money from home, ebay business my ass, plus we're draining my savings while he's out of work. And I'm also missing someone else a whole fucking lot. Yep, no need for the sad here.

Dammit.

Wtf. My Mon.thly.info page says that Aunt Flo is supposed to visit tomorrow and yet, aside from feeling down, I haven't had my usual PMS windup. I guess it'll be another unpredictable month.

I have got the worst girl crush. It's bad. It's so bad that it's pretty good.

In other news, if anyone ever wanted to get me a present just because, I'd love a copy of anything by Daphne Gottlieb especially Fucking Daphne, Kissing Dead Girls or even the anthology, Homewrecker.

In class. It's quiet except for the intermittent insistent beeping of the digitizer. It's trying to get my attention (Hey! Hey! Come!Here! Yes!You! Now!) but I'm ignoring it... poorly.

I must be crazy. I brought work home. Now it's late o'clock and I'm not tired anymore. I missed my sleep window. Dur. I think I'll go read Stephen King until I pass out.

I can hear the Russian surfing YouTube upstairs. Guess he's not sleepy either.

I am going to get more tattooed. I've just spent the last couple of hours falling in love with tattoos again online. I want to go to Electric Athena and I want Sheri to work on me. I don't have a concrete idea of what I want right now, but I know that I want it to be organic, something botanical. I also want to get some kind of cover up tattoo for my dorky little scarab. It's so boring and plain and I got it at a time when I was really into Egyptian art and I had all these Egyptian tattoos planned for my body and it really only works if I have some kind of theme going on with it. But now I'm over the Egypty stuff and I want something that's more me -- nature-y, floral, twiggy, asymmetrical, maybe daisies or hibiscus or some kind of leafy branch with blossoms or some autumn leaves. Something quirky but dainty and pretty.

I am totally in love with these two tattoos and I want something along the same vein. Maybe something more branchy and less flowery, but definitely something plantlike. If anyone has any suggestions, I'll be entertaining ideas for a while. I guess at least until the Russian gets a stable income. Sad me. Must wait for money.

In the meantime, I desperately need a haircut. I'm going back to the cheap place this time. The best hair cuts I've had lately have been from the cheap places. I spent way too much money last time and that woman chopped the hell out of my hair. I've got these goofy short pieces all up on the side and the top of the back and it's fuckity. Some days it looks downright butch. Definitely not worth the money I spent. Plus it looks better when I do my own highlights. Crazy, right?

I keep thinking that women are flirting with me. Is it real or is it wishful thinking and all in my head? I wonder. Come to think of it, there were guys too, but there are never girls who do, so that stood out. Momentous occasions in my sad little flirtlife! I want to go dancing and drink amaretto sours and hit on pretty girls. I need more girlfriends.

Also, remember how the Russian asked me to "make an effort" for our sex life and "wear lingerie"? So when I was getting ready to work in bed (like, real work on the computer, for my job) I put on a lacy black bra and some satiny black hipster panties that have a black and white polka dotted bow above a peek-a-boo hole in the back. Over that I have on a short see-thru spaghetti strap slip from Victoria's Secret that's got orange, yellow and red little flowers on it. Guess who came in, looked at me funny, asked, "what's that you're wearing?" all disgustedly then rolled over and fell asleep before 8:30pm? That fucker, that's who. Fuck lingerie. And fuck loud ass snoring too while we're at it.

Damn, that Russian sure knows the things to say to get me all hot and bothered. Money. Talk to me about prosperous financial plans, paying off debts, buying property and being financially secure within the next five years and you've taken the shortest path to winning my heart. He totally knows the perfect sweet nothings to whisper in my ear and he uses them to his advantage.

I would say that I wish I wasn't so focused and fixated on money but there are worse things I could be. It's not so bad.

I’m mildly synesthetic. Strong feelings that I can’t find words for sometimes come through instead as colors. Anger is yellow, with a bit of orange. I have an unsettled or just “off” feeling that comes across as straight up orange. (I have a hard time describing that one with words in the moment; usually I’ll just say that something made me feel very orange.) Really good, soul satisfying sex is purple, sometimes with turquoise mixed in. I’ve only felt red one time and it was when my ex was driving and he accidentally ran over a bunny. At the moment of impact I closed my eyes and it was RED!

This also manifests in a few letter-number-color associations. I don’t have an association for all letters, but like, “r” is 5, and it’s black. I have a handful of others. Funny thing is, I didn’t know what synesthesia was until my co-worker offhandedly explained that she wrote something down wrong because she has color and number associations for all the letters of the alphabet and sometimes she’ll transpose them when writing. We got curious about it and found out that it's actually a thing with a name. And when we compared notes, some of the letters I have associations like that for have the same number and color representatives as hers. It makes me wonder if synesthetics have maybe tapped into a secret language of sorts, like a code. I wonder if anyone’s done a study of that to see if there are a lot of commonalities.

Perhaps a subpart of this is my personification of inanimate objects. Most objects I encounter have very distinct personalities and I’ll reenact what they “do” to my husband, even if they don’t move or do anything. He thinks it’s funny and weird, but often sees my point. There’s a secret life to everything, even my stapler. And my stapler, he’s not a very happy little person. So bitter.

Lately I've been falling in love again ... with my music collection. I've never listened to such a variety of music. I've got, like, almost 800 songs on my mp3 player and I've been all over them in the last few days realizing how awesome some of them are, and how sucky some are as well. My little player is almost full and I'm going to have to buy a memory card if I want to put more music on there. I hope I'm not jinxing the health of my sansa by saying how much I love it. :\

Today at work we FINALLY got the new software that we'll be converting to. It's been years since we've needed to begin conversion and now we got the software officially installed. Thank goodness. I was seriously considering giving up on them about getting it and looking for another more progressive employer. I am so tired of all the talk about how awful it's going to be when we convert and I'm ready to do it already. I've been waiting for this excitedly because this is the area that I shine in. I revel in converting patterns and I can't wait to get this process underway. I also can't wait to go to the software user's conference in October. I know! I'm such a nerd. But it's just down the road at the Opryland Hotel and it's an opportunity to find out more about the program and ask questions and I'm totally geeking out that I get to go.

Yesterday I took a vigorous walk around the building (6 times) with 5 pound ankle weights on each leg. I've only had the weights for about a week and I haven't walked with them much, but I think I threw my knee out, maybe overextended it when stepping forward. It hurts like a motherfucker. It even hurts to lay down with it extended. And walking, fuck that. I'm bummed about it though 'cause I was really getting into walking regularly. I've just got three more pounds until I hit my halfway point on weight loss and I've been revving up the exercise to try to hurry that along but I am so stalled. I've been stalled at this weight for a month! Ahh! Frustration! I think I'll have to actually break out the yoga DVDs that I've been avoiding.

I'm trying to do the weight loss thing right this time, with both a major diet change and exercise and funny thing, that actually works. Ha! But being stalled sucks. I don't feel like I can radically adjust my diet any more than it is - I've even cut out artificial sweeteners and caffeine. Shut up, you didn't see me drink that diet coke and you can't prove it, and besides, I hadn't had one in over a week! Aside from all that, I guess just making sure I exercise every stinkin' day is the only thing I have left to do. What if I keep doing all this crazy stuff and I don't lose more weight? I will be pissed! If you have any suggestions on kick starting my loss again, I'm all ears. Please no awful fast though. I think that might be what I have come to however. I may have reached the point where I have to fast to kick my body back in gear. But yuck.

Btw, I discovered something about myself that I didn't know before: tranny porn isn't as much of a turn on as straight up gay porn, for me anyway. The more you know...

My daughter is turning into her father right before our eyes. How do you stop someone from becoming a "victim" to the world without being a jerk about it? She's just as convincing as him too. He was always so charming and his excuses made such logical sense, of how things were so unfair and how he couldn't possibly succeed when so many forces were stacked up against him. Never mind the fact that countless others managed just fine.

He convinced all of his friends and even me sometimes that the world was against him. But the truth is that that's just the way the world is set up. You can either go with the flow and let the obstacles keep you from getting where you need to go, or you can push past the obstacles. And the obstacles are not insurmountable. In this case, it was asking simple questions, breaking out of the pattern of her daily grind to get answers to go after something that she wanted. But she couldn't do that because THEY don't give her enough time in the day and THEY don't like it when she asks questions during class and NO ONE told her when something was happening and she didn't know who to ask even if she did find the time. If she doesn't get over this need to not make waves she will never go anywhere and she'll wind up a directionless excuse-maker like her dad.

Not only does she have his paternal influence by genes and by example, but they are both Pisces and AHHHH! Fish floating along the waves of life, enjoying the view. It's hard for me, the bull who pushes past whatever is in the way, to relate to this approach to life at all.

"It's never easy for either real or human fish to struggle and fight their way up­stream. It's more common, and it takes less effort, to go with the current wherever it takes them. But to swim up­stream is the challenge of Pisces-and the only way he ever finds true peace and happiness. Taking the easy way is a trap for those born under this Sun sign, a glittering bait that entices them, while it hides the dangerous hook -a wasted life."

Now he wants to sell sex toys. Sigh.

In a mostly unrelated note: sometimes I want to run away. I want someone else to be the "responsible" one and take care of everything so I can do what I want instead. I'm tired of being caged.

Pooter, across the hall from me, has acquired a new maddening habit: chewing gum. With dentures. He now constantly emits a disgusting tongue-squishing-clicking-squelching noise. All day. Within earshot. Often while looming over my shoulder watching me sign some damn card he brought for someone for some damn occasion. It's times like those, when he gets too close, that the urge to bitchslap him is almost too great to bear.

In other news, my tarot readings today were wonky. I'm in a bad headspace. It was all gloom and doom. According to the cards I'm stuck in a rut and have been miserable. I'm also pursuing a mirage, about to abandon the good life for an impossible dream.

( More tarot crap )

Class starts back again tonight. I'm starting to get nervous.

Here I lay
Still and breathless
Just like always
Still I want some more
Mirrors sideways
Who cares what's behind
Just like always
Still your passenger
Chrome buttons, buckles and leather surfaces
These and other lucky witnesses
Now to calm me
This time won't you please
Drive faster
Roll the window down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees anything
I'm your passenger
I'm your passenger
Drop these down then
Put them on me
Nice cool seats
There to cushion your knees
Now to calm me
Take me around again
Don't pull over
This time would you please drive faster
Roll the windows down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees what tonight
Roll these misty windows down
To catch my breath
And then go and go and don't just drive me
Home and back again
Here I lay just like always
Don't let me go
Take me to the edge

Your result for The Ultra Ultimate Personality Test...

The Protector

You scored 33 Extroversion, 65 Intuition, 83 Emotional, and 47 Spontaneity!

Take The Ultra Ultimate Personality Test at HelloQuizzy

Before 9 this morning the neighbors were outside mowing their lawn. With their kids and what sounded like a whole party of adults out there talking to each other over the sound of the mower. I just woke up not that long ago, people. Ugh. I'm trying to sort out how to work from home if my wireless network keeps knocking me off. It's cycling and quietly kicking me off and reconnecting, trying to be all sneaky about it, except it kicks me off my work network and then that network tells me all the stuff I've been working on doesn't exist. Slightly frustrating, to say the very least. Here I thought working from home was going to be easy. Not fucking likely. There's something to be said for a network cable in the dead quiet of an empty factory in the middle of nowhere. I never thought I'd miss it.

This is the best weekend I've had in a long time. Really good, despite the computer frustration and the noise and distraction level. Some of that distraction has been downright sublime. Absolutely, wonderfully sublime.

I bought five pound ankle weights and tiny wrist weights to wear while I'm walking. I want walking to be the opposite of what swimming is. When I'm in the pool it's perfect, but getting out is a total downer, and I can't exactly stay in there forever, more's the pity. Coming out, gravity takes back over and that weightless and free feeling is gone and replaced by an even heavier feeling force than before. I want to walk with weights so that when I'm done and I take them off, instead I will feel like I can fly if I want to.

If My Chemical Romance's Black Parade* was my soundtrack for spiraling into depression, the Deftones' White Pony is my uplifter. Sexy, loud, screamy, angry, arrogant, confident, full of strong, soul-deep tones and just pushy enough to shove me up out of the depths and back onto ground level. Along with "I Don't Care if the Sun Don't Shine" as sung by Patti Page on the Priscilla Queen of the Desert soundtrack, there is no other music right now.

---

*Yes, I'm admittedly a fan of My Chemical Romance. I'm not ashamed. My daughter loves them too, and she's perhaps more in their demographic than me, but I passed along the addiction to her and now we have awesome mother-daughter scream/singing-in-the-car sessions. Total goofy bonding moments. She also snagged my Deftones' CDs. Such a good girl.

Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million same

Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed and passed over
When I look right through,
See you naked but oblivious

And you don't see me

But I threw you the obvious
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy

Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all
See through, see you

'Cause I threw you the obvious
To see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy

Oh well, oh well
Apparently nothing,
Apparently nothing at all

You don't, you don't
You don't see me

You don't, you don't
You don't see me

You don't, you don't
You don't see me

You don't, you don't
You don't see me

You don't see me

You don't, you don't
You don't see me at all

I'm closing the shutters on this outlet for a while. I'll be around reading and commenting, but I think I'll be writing privately for now. I need to retreat inside myself and heal. Plus, everything I've put here reminds me of the past and I think I need a clean break.

I still have phone and email the same as it ever was, so I can be contacted that way. I'll see you guys in your journals for sure.